Why Civility?
I have been asked on numerous occasions: “Why civility? Why do I choose to focus on social interactions instead of the myriad of other interesting subjects the world has to offer?”
My feelings have always been, “why not?” Whether or not we label it as such, civility impacts our lives daily and offers stability and structure we would otherwise not have without it. It helps us to be more aware of the world around us and adds extra pleasantry in our interactions with family and friends in both our public and private spaces.
Last year, a friend hosted a birthday party for her nine-year-old son. Together they sent out invitations to his close friends with a note attached explicitly asking each guest not to bring a gift, and if completely compelled, do so only to give a toonie to the birthday boy. Pretty straightforward instructions, right? Wrong! To my friend’s horror, although many of the guests only brought a toonie to the party as per instructions, other kids walked in carrying $20 bills, creating an awkward situation for my friend and her son. The hostess ended up having to spend a good chunk of the time trying to hide the $20 notes from the kids who had brought toonies. Her son’s birthday party became more stressful than enjoyable for her because of this little inconsideration. I don’t think those who decided to bring more than a toonie intended any ill; however, their more substantial gift still created unnecessary stress.
A few years before this event, my husband and I were invited to our friends’ 50th wedding anniversary. We were strictly advised that all they wanted was “the presence of their family and friends in celebration of this milestone.” When the day rolled in, we showed up with no gift in hand. To our surprise, we walked in to find a table by the entrance with a few gifts placed on it! One can only imagine how we felt. We were sure the invite had requested that we did not bring gifts, yet we could not help but feel uncomfortable for following the instructions. As much as we had done the right thing, we somehow felt off and out of place. If everyone had adhered to the instructions on the invite, we all could have been on the same page and enjoyed the celebration without feeling ungenerous.
Both these scenarios resulted in both the host and some guests feeling uncomfortable because of the actions of a few individuals who opted to disregard what had been asked of them. An event that could have been enjoyed by all wound up being stressful and tense for a few others.
What I have found to be interesting is that people are more likely and more willing to lean on etiquette, or social guidance, when encountering the unknown. I have especially witnessed this in action when I see family, friends and colleagues excitedly prepare for trips overseas. They go to lengths to get themselves acquainted with the culture of the country they are visiting, taking language lessons, and trying to figure out the currency and exchange rates. If they know of someone who has visited the country previously, they connect with them and learn as much as they can about the culture and how best to connect with the locals. Why do they bother themselves with all this homework? Could it be an attempt to avoid offending the locals by doing or saying something that could be potentially deemed unacceptable within that cultural context? Do they hope to be accepted by the locals simply by showing that they at least have tried to learn something about them? I have heard multiple stories of travellers to French-speaking Quebec, and France who have received just that bit of extra help simply because they tried out a word or two in French.
If one would be so willing as to go out of their way to learn as much as they possibly can about a country they plan to visit for just two weeks for a more pleasant experience, would it not make sense to apply the same principle when it comes to life at home and interactions with people they see on a regular basis?
Observing civility is about paying attention to the small details that can turn any ordinary situation into a more enjoyable one: following the instructions on an invitation card, holding the door open an extra 5 seconds for the person behind you, and even letting in a driver who has been trying to enter your lane for the past 3 blocks. They make life more pleasant and brighten the days of everyone impacted by them.
So, my answer to the question “why civility?” is civility enables us to navigate our way through the world more smoothly. It helps us have more pleasant relationships and enjoy our daily interactions, no matter how big or small. When we are unsure of a situation, leaning on civility can always lift some of the doubts we have, ensuring that we end our days more positively.
Next time we are in a precarious situation, let us try practising just a little extra civility and help create an even more gratifying experience for all.
