Wedding Season: When is a gift appropriate?
We are halfway through summer and the wedding season is somewhat slowing down. Those of us who have been invited to wedding celebrations have, by now, solidified which ones we will be attending, and the ones we will have to miss to make way for our other summer commitments. Excited as we may have been to be invited to every wedding, unfortunately we had to send an uncomfortable “no” RSVP to some. That said, there is still an opportunity to celebrate the happy couple in multiple ways. This could be by attending pre-wedding celebrations such as a bridal shower, offering to help with preparations where possible, or even sending the gift we would have taken to the wedding had we attended.
Gift giving at weddings we plan to attend or not can present a conundrum. We can find ourselves wondering when it is appropriate to give a gift and what kind of gift we should be presenting. Let us consider a few gift-giving questions.
What is the right amount to spend on a gift?
There used to be an understanding that the wedding gift should be equivalent to the value of the plate at the dinner reception. I believe this rule is now outdated as not all weddings treat their guests to a sit down meal. When they do, it can be hard to determine the cost of the plate as dishes can range from a three-course meal to a light dessert. Under these circumstances it may be inappropriate to give gifts that are of the same value as the treats provided. Instead consider spending an amount of money that is both comfortable for you and reflective of your relationship with the couple. Remember that gift giving is not meant to bankrupt the giver, the goal is always to give a thoughtful gift.
2. Do we give gifts at destination weddings?
Couples who decide on having their weddings at foreign destinations tend to deem their guests’ attendance as a gift to them. This is usually communicated in the invitation and there is usually no expectation for guests to do otherwise. Should you want to give a gift, remember that it is a token above the cost of travel and accommodation. If you decide to take a gift to the wedding, remember to choose something that is practical to travel with. Otherwise you can opt to give your gift back at home when the wedding is over, especially if other guests might have strictly adhered to the couples’ wishes of “no gifts”.
3. What is appropriate to give at a co-worker’s wedding?
A co-worker we casually interact with will not feel slighted if we skip a gift at their wedding. If attending a co-worker’s wedding a small gift from their registry or a thoughtful card should suffice as a show of support for their new happy chapter. They are likely to simply be happy you attended and not expect a gift in addition to your presence. You can also organise to give a joint gift with other members of your team who have been invited to offer your congratulations without crossing professional boundaries.
4. What happens when it is not their first wedding?
The rule of thumb is that family and friends of those who have had a wedding previously are not expected to give a gift at the second wedding. This is because it is understood that they contributed to the first wedding, and their presence is considered adequate support the second time around. However individual circumstances may dictate differently, in which case it is appropriate to offer a gift to the new couple.
5. Do mature couples get gifts too?
Mature couples (people over 40) are usually well established and might not necessarily want for anything. These couples will usually state this on their invitations by making a request for “no gifts”. In this case we should honour their wishes and simply attend the wedding to support their happy union.
Gift giving at weddings is a highly personal activity which should be thoughtfully considered by the gift giver. The depth of your relationship with the people getting married will determine if you give a gift and the kind of gift you give. Other circumstances such as a wedding destination, the age of the couple, and if this is their first wedding will also guide your gift-giving practices. If the invitation states the couple’s expectations, it is safe to simply follow what they have to say. Otherwise, err by the rules of etiquette or simply ask for clarity in order to meet expectations.
Enjoy the remainder of the wedding season!
