Question our Adoption Questions

My friend was adopted as a baby, and the only family she has known is her adoptive one. As the fifth and youngest of the children, she was spoilt rotten by her mom, dad, brothers and sisters. Her oldest sister took her everywhere and enjoyed dressing her up and brushing her hair a few times a day.

My friend basked in the attention shone from her family. However, her life outside of the home was a different story. The neighbourhood was not shy about feeding their curiosity with questions that she did not have answers for.

More times than she could count, while out shopping or on family holidays, strangers would comment on how different her looks were from her siblings. Most of the family members were brunettes with brown or hazel eyes, while she is blonde with blue eyes. Because of this obvious difference, questions that gave birth to more questions in her mind were asked in her presence.

She didn’t like hearing these questions because they were a constant reminder that she came from, and perhaps belonged to, somewhere else; like a story that no one wanted to talk about. Even as a young child she could feel her confidence and self-worth eroding.

She shared with me some of the questions that she overheard:

Why was she given up?

Her young mind thought that she might not have been good enough to be fully loved by her birth parents. Though she realized that she had only been a baby when she joined her adoptive family, there was no way her young mind could shake off the idea that she was given up as a punishment for her behaviour.

Did you pay a lot of money for her?

It hurt to know that there was a price tag associated with her existence. No one asked the same question of her siblings.

Does she know that she is adopted?

All she wanted was to belong and not to be constantly reminded that she was the other. Her parents and siblings were extremely protective of her and not even once did she overhear them have any kind of discussion surrounding her adoption.

What will happen when she finally locates her parents?

This question encouraged her to find her birth mother and things didn’t turn out well. Looking back, she now believes she could have saved herself a lot of pain and heartache if only she had focussed on the loving parents she was blessed with.

Does she have her own siblings?

She was content with the siblings she knew yet wondered if there were more out there. Would they want to know about her? What kind of relationship could they have? Would this be a betrayal to the siblings she grew up with that loved and protected her from the time she was a baby?

Will she turn out to be like her birth mother?

Being someone who adored her mother, she wanted to be like her and not the one she didn’t know and this question made her worry that she could never be anything like the perfect mother who raised her.

Does it bother you that you don’t have any knowledge of her background? - What if she gets sick?

Doesn’t everyone get sick she thought? She didn’t understand then the link between her biological background and her health.

You must be an angel to take in an unwanted child.

To her young mind, this comment came with the implication that she must have been a very difficult child, and only an angel could have the patience and kind disposition to be able to deal with someone like her.

Can you really love her as your own?

This planted seeds in her mind to start comparing her parents’ treatment between her and her siblings, which was not healthy at all. She admits that jealousy started to creep in as she interpreted differences in how her siblings were treated compared to her. Once she became a parent herself, she realized that because children have different personalities, the way a parent interacts with them differs from child to child.

My friend stated that as an adopted child, she had a few natural questions of her own, but wished relatives and the general public didn’t compound them with theirs. As an adult, she now understands that curiosity is seemingly only satisfied by asking questions. However, it could have been healthier for her if people had practiced some discretion and were aware of the effect of questions on a child.

She helped me understand and appreciate that even if I suspect or have full knowledge that someone is adopted, it is not my place to ask questions regarding that aspect of their life. Over time if they are comfortable and feel the need to share their story with me, it will be on their terms. All I have to do is be sensitive and follow their cues on what can or cannot be talked about. Relationships are built by experiences over time, and these experiences deepen our relationships and can create a soft place to fall on for those who need it.