Friendships

With most of us spending so much time away from our loved ones, I have been reflecting on my high school years in boarding school. After my acceptance, I became apprehensive because the idea of being away from my family for extended periods of time wasn't necessarily appealing. Looking back on it now, the experience proved to be worth it. Despite the fact that I was quite a picky eater at the time, mealtimes became my favourite part of each day as suppertime was when we received mail from our family and friends away. This was during a time when having pen-pals was popular, and relationships with family and friends were maintained through letters. School holidays were not much different either. As my classmates and I lived in different cities and cellphones were not a thing then, we kept in touch by mail. It was exciting to learn what each of us was up to in our respective cities. When we got back to school, our communication continued to flow easily, and our bonds were even stronger.

Fast forward a few decades later, and we now get to enjoy instant communication with family and friends by phone, video calls, emails and text messages more often. One of my friends who has been better at adapting to the technological advancements of communication has also remained very diligent in staying in touch through the mail, which I truly appreciate. The beauty of this is that her mail is usually unexpected, making it an even more precious gift to receive. Through her consistent communication, she is keeping our friendship healthy and alive.

My friends’ excellent communication over the years has always had me asking if there are etiquette guidelines that can be followed to keep friendships alive. After much thought and a little bit of research, I have come to the conclusion that they do, in fact, exist. People from different generations, cultural backgrounds, and friend groups all showed that they share simple unwritten rules that seem to fuel healthy and ongoing friendships at every age. A few common rules that I found are as follows:

One must build and maintain solid lines of communication with one’s friends

Communication is the key to success in any friendship. When friends communicate with honesty, transparency and good intentions, trust is built between them, which deepens their relationship.

Reciprocity

Both parties in a friendship should actively add value to the other’s life. It is disheartening to be in a friendship where you feel you are putting in more effort to nourish your relationship while the other only receives this. The ratio of giving to receiving may change at different stages of the friendship. What is important is that things are never obviously one-sided. Each member of the friendship must feel valued at all times.

Respecting each other’s boundaries

Different friends have different boundaries in their lives. Where one friend may bear their deepest secrets with everyone close to them, another may take some time reaching out even in a desperate time of need. It is always the best call to be respectful of your friend’s wishes in navigating different aspects of their lives. As we grow older, boundaries shift to mirror the stages of life we are in. This does not mean they trust you any less than the next friend; it may just be how they are most comfortable navigating things at the time.

Give support without expecting something in return

Everyone loves a selfless friend and strives to be one too. When we support our friends, it should be because we care about them, not because we expect to get a favour out of it in the future. Likewise, when a friend lends us a helping hand, we should not return the favour out of a sense of indebtedness. Support should always come from a place of love because we are in a position to offer it.

Distance doesn't have to cause casualty to your relationship

Friendships do not have to meet their demise because someone has moved away. It is understandable that dynamics will change when friends cannot see each other as conveniently, especially when time differences are factored in. However, if both parties put in the effort required and apply all the principles mentioned above, the friendship could still thrive in its new, mostly virtual state.

To maintain healthy relationships, we all have a part to play. We must remember that relationships are like plants that need to be nurtured in order to thrive. Just as in any relationship, some rules that apply to etiquette can be adopted to help us be better friends and maintain healthy friendships